Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. This part 2 of an excerpt from the fictional part of my story. (Complicated isn’t it?)
“But as it had happened time and time again in my life, the better the news, the deeper I was sinking, becoming more trapped in my own silent world made lively by images of my past. I didn’t want it and by God I wasn’t looking for it. As far as I can remember, I’ve always been aware of its cause and its origin has always been crystal clear to me. It’s the power it has over me I’ve never understood.
This intense discomfort that rises like a storm inside of me whenever something good in my life gives me pride or joy, this thing that exists only to remind me that I am not worthy of happiness and that I should turn my back on it, has always been there. In the background yes, but never too far behind and always ready to revel in its own purpose and this time it was beating me down with a force I had never suspected it could have.
Of course, it had to be stronger than ever before. It had to be in order to match not only how great Annie made me feel but also how bright and exciting my career was shaping out to be.
This episode, although it felt much stronger, was unfolding just like any of the other ones I had in the past and was striking, as usual, at a key moment in my life. It was right on cue too and I knew the drill. Never in these moments has it ever mattered that not all of the images I see are bad or that they don’t all bring back negative memories because, whenever my past occupies my mind, nothing around me feels right. That’s especially true for anything that would normally be of comfort to me. The aching fear that it could go away or be taken from me at any time forces me to reject it on my own, wether I’m conscious of it or not, just so the sharp pain can subside. That has been the true curse of past. The greater the bliss, the sharper the pain.
If my reaction has always been the same messy one, something in my life was different this time. Something I can sense is wrapped around me and is helping me keep my chin up. I can still feel it here, tonight.
It could be Chuck and the positivism he has been showing about his plan which is still unfolding. It has certainly been a soothing balm on the stress caused by the enormity of the changes set in motion in my professional life a few short weeks ago. But these changes are not strangers to the crisis in which I find myself at this very moment. Yes, Chuck is great but so are the emotions stirred by what his name is associated with. So it can’t be what I feel is pushing me forward.
As important as the changes happening at the station are, they are still no match for what I lost at home a few hours ago.
It can only be Annie. Annie is what’s different in my life. The bet I took on my career was the trigger of this episode but only the growing feeling of Annie slipping away from me could be the reason behind the intensity of it. The image of her closing the door on us a few hours ago and the thought I had lost her for good was what pushed me over the edge and do something I had never done before tonight; tell my story. If the fear of losing Annie is the true cause of this war inside of me, then being with her again has to be my only way to peace.
How about that, I had to be beaten down to my weakest to feel the strength she can give me…”
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This project is entirely written on an iPad.
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