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Citizen of Ville Joie

~ An orphan's story. Based on true events.

Citizen of Ville Joie

Tag Archives: Love

Citizen of Ville Joie – Love, what else…

18 Thursday Apr 2013

Posted by Steve Marchand in Second pass

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adoption, Books, family, Friends, Life, Love, story, Writers, writing


Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. In this excerpt, Daryl speaks about love.

“…I have been trained to wish for love so intensely and for so long, in the end it’s the wishing that contents me and as more time passes, I become less willing to trade that comfort for the uncertainty that often accompanies actual love. I swear the stuff the human spirit can learn to live with.

As a result, I choose to have relationships but never to really be in one, hovering instead on the surface and when things get too deep, when the uncertainty becomes all there is, silence comes to the rescue. Just like silence came to my rescue on the faithful day I was taken from my family and driven to an orphanage in a big white car by a complete stranger wearing a suit.

Love. Love, what else, would be my curse, an inescapable failure throughout the years as a result of the words written for me long ago in the chapter of my life discussing affection and intimacy. Like all children I wished and expected for certain matters of the heart to unfold naturally. I expected love from my mother, instead she disappeared behind a closed door and left me to stand as an orphan by my suitcase. I expected to share a bond with my brothers and my sister, but we became strangers instead. I wished for love from the first family I was sent to, but they broke my bones, tore my skin and planted the seed of shame inside of me. Deep down, I wished for love from or for each of the other families I crossed path with, in return I rejected them or they rejected me.

I wasn’t the victim in all of this. Love, what else, was the victim.

So, what could possibly compel me to tell my story now and in such details after all the years of efforts I deployed to blur its images with a thick veil of silence? Love, what else. Love, and woman. A stunning and brilliant woman who also disappeared behind a closed door in a moment that awoke in me a feeling so old, the dust raised by that gesture made my heart sneeze. A woman who has in her eyes a kindness equal only to that of Danielle’s and who has twice the good looks of “Andrée with two e’s”. She wished for closeness, she received nothing but silence instead. I look forward to beg for her forgiveness while holding a bag of fresh pastries…”

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com

This project is entirely written on an iPad.

I do not have representation.

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Citizen of Ville Joie – Everything will be fine

28 Thursday Mar 2013

Posted by Steve Marchand in Second pass

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adoption, book, Entertainment, family, Friends, Love, orphan, Publishing, story, Writers, writing


Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. In this excerpt taken from the real part of my story, Daryl finds out who is behind his introduction to his agent.

“…Also a proof of how much at peace am I now is when my phone vibrates and I calmly reach for it to see who is texting me instead of feeling the need to run for a defibrillator.

It’s Annie. The image of her face is the perfect background for my current state of mind. And her words, her words are like a light at the end of this dark tunnel I entered a few weeks ago.

“I’m at your house,” her message begins. “Stop by our bakery on your way home, will you? I know it’s only Thursday but we owe each other a Sunday.”

In this one message is all ever I wanted to know and I close my eyes to sink it all in before looking down at my phone to type “Thank you” and send it.

Just as I’m about to lean closer to the microphone and ready myself to resume my show, Annie, who can type much faster than I could ever dream of, sends me her response.

“You’re welcome. Don’t forget to thank Lenny too.”

I’ll never deny that I owe Lenny a whole lot but I find it strange that Annie would mention him and remind me to thank him today of all days. I’m about to go back on the air and I have very little time for a lengthy exchange so I just ask “Why Lenny?”

“He and Chuck are old friends,” she answers. “Lenny told me about Linden&Baker and gave Chuck a heads up.”

I didn’t see that coming. I can now see how it was possible for me to trust Chuck so completely and so fast. He’s Lenny. Well, Lenny with a lot more money. I just now realize that in my selfishness, it never occurred to me to ask Annie how it was she came to know that an agency as prestigious as Linden&Baker was looking to expand it’s representation business to Media personalities like me.

Everything seems to be falling in place. Annie is still in my life, Lenny is still in my career and now, the guys from Corporate are giving me the thumbs up. Earlier, I dared think maybe I was going to be fine. Now I know.

“I’ll thank him,” I write to Annie. “Right after I deny you pastries for hiding that from me.”

I would do as she does and add a smily face thing, an “emocon” I think it’s called, to make sure she knows I’m only kidding except I’m too new at this and I have no clue how to do it…”

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com

This project is entirely written on an iPad.

I do not have representation.

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Citizen of Ville Joie – Getting through the storm (p2)

15 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by Steve Marchand in Second pass

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Books, Entertainment, Life, Love, Publishing, Relationships, Stories, Writers, writing


Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. This part 2 of an excerpt from the fictional part of my story. (Complicated isn’t it?)

“But as it had happened time and time again in my life, the better the news, the deeper I was sinking, becoming more trapped in my own silent world made lively by images of my past. I didn’t want it and by God I wasn’t looking for it. As far as I can remember, I’ve always been aware of its cause and its origin has always been crystal clear to me. It’s the power it has over me I’ve never understood.

This intense discomfort that rises like a storm inside of me whenever something good in my life gives me pride or joy, this thing that exists only to remind me that I am not worthy of happiness and that I should turn my back on it, has always been there. In the background yes, but never too far behind and always ready to revel in its own purpose and this time it was beating me down with a force I had never suspected it could have.

Of course, it had to be stronger than ever before. It had to be in order to match not only how great Annie made me feel but also how bright and exciting my career was shaping out to be.

This episode, although it felt much stronger, was unfolding just like any of the other ones I had in the past and was striking, as usual, at a key moment in my life. It was right on cue too and I knew the drill. Never in these moments has it ever mattered that not all of the images I see are bad or that they don’t all bring back negative memories because, whenever my past occupies my mind, nothing around me feels right. That’s especially true for anything that would normally be of comfort to me. The aching fear that it could go away or be taken from me at any time forces me to reject it on my own, wether I’m conscious of it or not, just so the sharp pain can subside. That has been the true curse of past. The greater the bliss, the sharper the pain.

If my reaction has always been the same messy one, something in my life was different this time. Something I can sense is wrapped around me and is helping me keep my chin up. I can still feel it here, tonight.

It could be Chuck and the positivism he has been showing about his plan which is still unfolding. It has certainly been a soothing balm on the stress caused by the enormity of the changes set in motion in my professional life a few short weeks ago. But these changes are not strangers to the crisis in which I find myself at this very moment. Yes, Chuck is great but so are the emotions stirred by what his name is associated with. So it can’t be what I feel is pushing me forward.

As important as the changes happening at the station are, they are still no match for what I lost at home a few hours ago.

It can only be Annie. Annie is what’s different in my life. The bet I took on my career was the trigger of this episode but only the growing feeling of Annie slipping away from me could be the reason behind the intensity of it. The image of her closing the door on us a few hours ago and the thought I had lost her for good was what pushed me over the edge and do something I had never done before tonight; tell my story. If the fear of losing Annie is the true cause of this war inside of me, then being with her again has to be my only way to peace.

How about that, I had to be beaten down to my weakest to feel the strength she can give me…”

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com

This project is entirely written on an iPad.

I do not have representation.

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Citizen of Ville Joie – Opening up to affection (part 2)

23 Sunday Sep 2012

Posted by Steve Marchand in Second pass

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adoption, Blog, Books, Children, Entertainment, family, Life, Love, Parenting, writing


Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. In this excerpt, Daryl describes his arrival in yet another family.

“So I settle in with the B family and adapt to their lives like kids can sometimes do so easily. I feel quite comfortable with Mrs B as well as with N, the couple’s youngest daughter. It is summer and there is no school to go to, so N and I spend our days with Mrs B while Mr B goes to work at one of the local paper mills. Experience tells me that I can be sent back to the orphanage at any given moment, and so there is this instinctive defense mechanism that stops me from going out and make friends. This probably explains why I have no memories of ever going anywhere on my own but in the backyard.

Each night, Mrs B tucks me in and asks me what kind of kiss I want. I always ask for a “movie kiss” which is a long kiss with tightly closed lips, just like I saw in a movie once. She kindly obliges and laughs at my reaction afterwards, a mix of embarrassment and contentment. This is the first time I surrender myself to this level of affection, physical or otherwise. In the orphanage, there was a line the educators could not cross, and rightfully so. There couldn’t have been so much as a hint of inappropriateness and it surely explains why no bad stories have ever circulated about that institution. As for the other families, well, the cold wall I built around me did nothing to invite more offerings of closeness on their part once I turned down their gestures the first few times. There was kindness, politeness, but never the kind of affection I begin to express with Mrs B.

For all the safety and the good moments the orphanage gave me, the time I spent there had a few repercussions that explain the conflicts that rages inside of me whenever I become exposed to the basic feelings and emotions ready to strike at every corner in the outside world. The friendships I was fortunate enough to have in Happy Town were deep and sincere, especially with Allan, but there was always some distance between us orphans and while the attention we got from the educators was plentiful, it was usually given to us in bulk, as a group. Sure it made us feel good, but not so unique, not so special. The rejections, coming from entire families, that were slowly but surely piling up and the acquired normalcy of a certain distance were clashing with my need to feel unique, to feel that I mattered as an individual.

This is a desire over which I have no control and I have absolutely no idea how wide I am supposed to open my heart but, at this moment in my life, this is the one craving I need to satisfy more than anything else. When it becomes obvious I am going to be physically safe with the B family, when it hits me that I have finally learned something from my failures with the other families, I give myself permission to experience some fragments of love and affection. Even the fear of another rejection can’t shield me completely from such a basic desire inspired by a child’s mind and I accept, at last, that I am ready to let a few kind hearts reach out to mine…”

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com This project is entirely written on an iPad…and no I do not have representation!

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Citizen of Ville Joie – Discovery of attraction – concl.

22 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by Steve Marchand in Second pass

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Tags

adoption, Blog, Books, Entertainment, family, Love, music, writing


Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. This excerpt is the third part and conclusion of the excerpt “Discovery of attraction”.

“On their last day at Ville Joie, all the interns show up at the beginning of the afternoon and stay with us for the rest of the day. It is special to have so many people around all at once but not special enough to bring me relief from the weight crushing my heart. I have already become sensitive to moments of departures and scenes of things ending, something that still afflicts me to this day. In mid-afternoon, Allan and I spend some time playing outside with Pete who appears much more pensive than usual. On our way back inside just before dinner, Pete turns to us and in a shaky voice says “You guys are very special, don’t you ever forget it”. We both thank him and tell him we like him very much also. His words hit us pretty hard, especially Allan who has grown so fond of Pete.

The mood is getting heavier by the minute and close to the end of our last dinner together, not much is being said. The interns have by now figured out that we have become emotionally attached to them and that somehow we know we will probably never see them again. My guess is that, rookies that they are, they have become attached to us as well and somewhere along their training, they forgot who they were dealing with; a bunch of kids craving for love but unaware what to do with it once it was offered to them.

After our nightly snack and after supervising us one last time as we prepare for bed, the interns come to see us one by one to say goodbye, just before lights out. All goes well until they visit the fourth or fifth kid who begins crying, which triggers a chain reaction of tears in the dormitory. From my room, I can hear the other kids cry and the interns doing their best to comfort them. I am not looking forward to my turn at all and I keep fighting the emotions inside of me. I have to be strong because the last thing I want is to end up crying in front of Andrée. Easier said than done; my room is the last one on the way out, so by the time the interns get to me, the dormitory is pretty much flooded with tears. When the first couple of interns make it to my room, I am able to hold it together by keeping it simple and saying just a plain goodbye. In the room next to mine however, I can hear Pete as he speaks to Allan in the midst of a powerful crying fit. I begin to sing a song in my head so I won’t hear what is happening around me. A short moment later, Pete opens the curtain of my room and walks in, saying a few words to me and extending his big hand as an invitation to mine. I keep the song going in my head, thinking that if I can’t hear what he is saying, I won’t lose it. On his lips, I can still read the last few words he says to me: “It was a pleasure meeting you Daryl”. My heart goes straight to my throat as I shake his hand. He turns around, walks away and at the same moment he exits my room, Andrée enters, and shuts the curtain close behind her.

She stands at the foot of my bed, herself looking shaken by the way the others kids have just reacted to saying goodbye. After a few seconds, she asks “Daryl, are you ok?” I know for sure that, if I try to say so much as one word, I will burst into tears. So just I simply nod yes and turned on my side to face away from her. Andrée must have taken it as a sign I didn’t want to talk to her and stays only a few more seconds to look at me. When I hear the curtain of my room being closed behind her after she leaves, it is more than I can handle and I start crying. Andrée who must have heard my sobs, rushes back in my room and sits on the edge of my bed to console me and tuck me in real tight, one last time. She speaks to me with her sweet, soft voice while resting her hand on my chest and assures me everything will be just fine. After a few, too short minutes, she leaves again, but this time for good. It takes quite a while, but I manage to cry myself to sleep with the music of Cat Stevens as the background.

This was the first time I ever cried for a woman. Andrée became a memory which faded over time, and surprisingly disappeared all together from my mind, until Cat Stevens brought her back to me. Thanks to him, her beauty remains intact and the sound of her voice, as faint as it has become because of the distance put between us by the passing years, is still sweet, soft and of great comfort to me.

It was both saddening and maddening to me that the memory of the interns had been buried so deep inside of me and for so long. This was such a dear and intense time for me, it should have been kept as close to my heart as possible and revisited as often as needed. My toughest moments were piled on top of these beautiful images which I am sure of it, were longing to be seen again because they climbed back to the surface with disarming ease once I made way for them. Well, once Cat Stevens and I made way for them. He is the reason I have so much respect for music and its power. Music is often part of the stage set of important acts in people’s lives and a song which may mean absolutely nothing to us may very well take someone else back to a defining time in their life. Be careful next time you say “I hate that song” to someone, what they may hear is “I hate that moment that means so much to you”…”

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com This project is entirely written on an iPad…and no I do not have representation!

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Citizen of Ville Joie – Discovery of attraction part 2

20 Monday Aug 2012

Posted by Steve Marchand in Second pass

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adoption, Blogs, Books, family, Friends, Love, music, writing


Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. In this excerpt, Daryl discovers attraction part 2…

“Andrée broke the awkward silence by saying “Aren’t you Daryl? I like the way you said your name earlier, with gusto!”

“Who’s Gusto?” I asked, quite seriously.

That made her laugh so much she was barely able to finish her explanation of the word. Since I had just made a fool out of myself, I decided to top it off with making fun of her name by asking “Isn’t Andrée a name for a boy?” She rolled her eyes as if she had heard that one a thousand times before and said “Usually it would be, but my name is Andrée, with two E’s, get it?”

I have to admit that, no I didn’t get it at the time but quite frankly her name could have been just the letter “E” for all I cared, she still would have been the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. But since she insisted, from that moment on “Andrée with two E’s” was my name for her and where ever she was, I was as well.

The interns alternated the time of the day they spent with us so, in the beginning, Andrée was there in the mornings, then she moved to afternoons and ended her internship with us on the evening shift. I loved every second she was there. I spent the precious hours she was with us staring at her, drinking her every word, burning the image of her face in my mind and imagining crazy scenarios like I was a super hero and, regardless of the challenge my young mind came up with, saving her from grave danger was my destiny.

Over time, I also felt close to Pete who at first seemed severely out of his element. Our educators, male or female, were strong figures to us which was what we needed just like any other children. They were also showing a level of understanding of us they just couldn’t fake, especially when they spend their every day with kids in such need of it like we were. Pete didn’t seem to be of a caring nature to begin with and looked like he was in way over his head for the first few weeks. He wasn’t mean or abrupt or anything like that, it just wasn’t natural for him and we could sense it. At one point, surely as a test of will, our educators left him on his own for an entire afternoon in charge of all of us. I guess that’s when everything clicked for him and for us as well. Exchanging with us quickly became second nature to him. Pete tapped into a level and a quality of communication he didn’t know he had and reached a point where, when he looked at one of us in the eyes, we had no other choice but to pay attention and listen; not because we were afraid, but because we knew he meant what he said and in return, we felt what he meant. This is how words reach someone’s inside and stay there forever.

I can’t remember what it was but I once did something that really upset him so he sat in a chair and made me stand in front of him. He gently put his giant paws on both my arms and said “Daryl, I thought you and I were friends.” His words exploded against my heart and I immediately began to cry. I instinctively hugged him and he spent all the time needed to comfort me.

As I mentioned earlier, at the end of her internship, Andrée was on the evening shift which was by far the most quiet period of the day at Ville Joie. After dinner, she would accompany us in the backyard and play with us until it was time to go back inside where she would supervise us getting ready for bed after a light snack in the cafeteria where I sat next to her every night. Before lights out, she would go to each of the rooms, making sure everyone was comfortable for the night and, thanks to the layout of our dormitory, I was always the last one she would come visit. We had our own short but how important ritual where she would sit on the edge of my bed to confirm I was tucked in very tight and then start laughing the moment she would see the look on my face, which had to be nothing but the reflection of pure and utter contentment.

She knew. She knew and she played along with just the right amount of distance but also, the perfect amount of kindness. “Sweet dreams Daryl”, Andrée would whisper to me. “Good night Andrée with two E’s”, I would whisper back, making sure only she could hear me.

We had our little secret and it made me feel so light inside. How peaceful and deep the sleep can be when your heart is filled with the whispers of a special someone. None of the other kids got that treatment and I never mentioned it to anyone, except to Allan of course…”

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com This project is entirely written on an iPad…and no I do not have representation!

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Citizen of Ville Joie – The discovery of attraction

18 Saturday Aug 2012

Posted by Steve Marchand in Second pass

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adoption, Blog, Books, family, Friends, Love, music, orphan, writing


Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. In this excerpt, Daryl discovers attraction…

“I was so afraid to lose that magic, I never sought to hear his music and instead, let fate surprise me with precious and randomly chosen images of my past, reassured by the knowledge that his music only brings back the happiest of memories.

A few years ago, I was running errands and I was in line at the pharmacy when his song “Sitting” began playing on their radio, triggering a very specific memory to come back to me. Something I hadn’t thought about for many years. Something only a song by Cat Stevens could push up to the surface. The images were so vivid, I had to get out of the line and sit down in the waiting area to soak them in.

When I first arrived at Ville Joie, the government had just taken over the administration of the orphanage which had been, until that point, ran by nuns. By the time I got there, only a few of them had stayed and were still working there, like our nurse, Sister Lisa. Since the state was involved, the educators had to be specially trained or have some sort of university diploma in a program related to dealing with children such Special Education or Child Care Worker. This approach was fairly new and soon, a fresh group of students reached the part of their course where they had to spend some time in the field for their training. Sure enough, a bunch of them showed up at Ville Joie for their internship which was scheduled to last a few months.

We loved our educators madly and we would never have traded any of them, for all the marbles in the world but, these interns were new faces, new voices, new everything and to a child, “new” is irresistible. So on their first day, a group of young interns stood in front of us in a little group and introduced themselves one after the other. Of course, I can’t remember all of their names, only two of them.

First there was Pete who was very tall, had incredibly large shoulders and a deep voice. He seemed so strong, he looked like he could carry all of us on his large back, a theory we once proved.

“Hi, my name is Pete” resonated throughout the entire room turned silent at the sound of his voice.
Then, from behind Pete, I heard ” Hi, my name Andrée” spoken with the sweetest, the softest voice of them all. I stretched my neck to try and get a look at the girl who had just introduced herself. I could see her feet, her legs and her hands but whenever I moved to see her face, Pete would be blocking my view. That voice moved something in me and I was overpowered by the need to see the girls’s face. I looked around the room and all of the other kids were acting normally, it was as if they had simply heard her name while I had heard something completely different, a presageful whisper intended just for me as a warning that something was about to change inside of me. Still, no matter how hard I tried or how I positioned myself, big Pete was in the way.

After the other interns introduced themselves, it was our turn to say our names and when it came to me, I shouted “DARYL” in Pete’s direction in the hope Andrée would stick her head out to see who would yell his name in such a way but it didn’t work; all it did was draw a huge laugh from the entire room which made me feel pretty stupid. Finally we were invited to go meet the new guys and shake their hands so I stood up and tried to reposition myself to see the face of the girl with the beautiful voice. Still no luck; the others had already overwhelmed the interns and since I was so small, all I could see were the back of the heads of my friends as well as the adults’ belt buckles.

I stayed at the back, looking down, and I was about to give up on my quest to see Andrée’s face when Giles came up to me to say it was ok to join in, so I walked right inside the group and was stopped by Pete whose hand made mine disappear when he shook it. I met the other interns, shook their hands as well and then, when I was no longer expecting it, the mysterious girl who’s sweet voice had cause such turmoil inside of me was right there, smiling and looking at me. She had short brown hair split in the middle as it was brought into fashion by Dorothy Hamill at the time, big blue eyes, porcelain skin she obviously knew didn’t need any makeup and a smile to die for. Andrée was a stunning beauty. “Weak in the knees” is not just an expression because when I saw her face for the first time, I dropped about two inches before I instinctively pushed myself back up bearing a look on my face that surely revealed I had no clue what was happening to me. I regrouped the best I could and looked at her face again for a few more seconds with my eyes, and probably my mouth, wide opened.

Andrée broke the awkward silence by saying “Aren’t you Daryl? I like the way you said your name earlier, with gusto!”

“Who’s Gusto?” I asked, quite seriously…”

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com This project is entirely written on an iPad…and no I do not have representation!

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Citizen of Ville Joie – “Keep going…”

07 Tuesday Aug 2012

Posted by Steve Marchand in Second pass

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adoption, Blog, Entertainment, family, Life, Love, Relationships, writing


Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. In this excerpt, Daryl gets a message from Annie and discusses technology…

“Finally, this ten minute break will give me some time to get some fresh air and step out of the studio for a moment. I usually take this time for a well deserved bathroom break followed by a trip outside, behind the building, for a quick smoke while Susan goes over the few messages and emails we normally get. On my way down the stairs, I am startled by the music coming from my phone which turns out to be an email notification from Annie. I didn’t know my phone could do that.

“Daryl,

I don’t know where your story will take me and all of those who are listening to you. I knew all along it wouldn’t be easy to hear these words if you ever opened up to me because I care about you so much. I hoped for them but I never imagined they would be this hard on me and I never thought how listening to someone, but truly listening, required this amount of energy. So much more energy than being mad at you for the last few days has taken from me. I got even madder when you began story on the air earlier but I understand better now; it is fine by me if you needed the safety of your studio to get it all out.

I’m still there, Daryl. I’m listening to you. Keep going because I think I have already cried all the tears I possibly can anyway. Keep going because I can hear in your voice that you need to tell your story just as much as I need to hear it.

Keep going because if that story ends with who you are now, then I know it ends well.

Enjoy your smoke break.

Annie.”

God, she is good with words. I finish reading her message just as I get to the door leading to my smoking spot and I realize Susan is only a few steps behind me. We stand outside near the door and Susan who has stopped smoking more than a year ago looks at me with obvious envy take the first drag of my cigarette.

“You’re trending right now, Daryl”

“Wow that’s great! Trending is fantastic! You know, I haven’t trended in such a longtime, I forgot what it feels like.” I answer using a sarcastic tone.

“Alright, alright.” Susan says, somewhere between being amused and annoyed.

“You don’t know what trending means. It means you are a very popular subject on Twitter. People are talking about you, promoting the link to our Website where others can log on and listen to your story online from all over the world. Better?”

“Oh, I get it! I’m trending!”

I’m part of that last bunch of radio hosts who still imagine their listeners sitting by their radios, or at least listening on some sort of traditional radio device. Not on their computers or their iSmart Phones or whatever they’re called. It is all iThis and iThat, iSwear! Quite a while back at the beginning of the online craze, Lenny had an epiphany and asked a friend of his to put a website together for our station “so everyone will know we exist.” It worked too; the entire world knew about us and how crappy our website looked. More people were sending us emails to tell us our site was horrendous than any other kinds of comments. Not that I really cared but, at one point we all offered Lenny to kickback some of our salary so he could hire a company to us setup with a real site. He didn’t take our money but he did have the site done by professionals eventually.

Regardless, when Corporate took over, our site was taken down and replaced with a global one instead with all of their stations listed with links allowing to listen to each of them online. Every host was given a page…”

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com
Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com

This project is entirely written on an iPad…and no I do not have representation!

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Citizen of Ville Joie – Refusing happiness

03 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by Steve Marchand in Second pass

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Tags

adoption, Blog, Books, family, Life, Love, writing


Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. In this excerpt, Daryl makes the choice of letting happiness pass him by…

“Despite all of this, I can’t find it in me to take the one small step that could change my life. I am frozen at the goal line and I just can’t find the strength to cross it. I can’t even bring myself to call Mr and Mrs P “Mom” and “Dad”, which is not limited to them; it is something I will never ever call anybody else in my life. But it is with them that I first feel the awkwardness that takes hold of my mind whenever I find myself on the verge of saying it. It doesn’t feel appropriate or real to me and I retreat behind the comfort of silence on the rare occasions this strange urge hits me. The more time passes and they try to include me in their lives, the more I become witness to their family’s happiness, passively looking on as the perfect chance at a brighter future passes me by. I see it, I recognize it, I am just unwilling to grab it. I am not rude, tough or violent; never have been and never will be any of those things. What I am is withdrawn, unavailable and there is nothing inside of me driving me to fight it.

This is the inevitable response to my difficult time with the D family. In the months spent in the orphanage following my hard time with them, I have, without realizing it, retreated in a tightly guarded fortress where nobody will hurt me. A place within perfect distance of sentiments so they will fade before they reach my heart. No more pain, no more fear, no more shame. But also no more love, no more affection, no more closeness. The D’s hurt me so badly and so deeply, they made it a trade off I was willing to accept.

The only place I want to call home, is Happy Town. I have become a Citizen of Ville Joie.

One afternoon, Mr P takes me and the girls on a walk in the woods near the house to play for a few hours and when we come back to the house he sits all of us down at the kitchen table, turns to us and asks what we have retained from the last few hours and wants to hear my answer first. I know this is a test. I know the there is one word he wants to hear from me. I know exactly which one that is and I know all I have to do is to say that one word. I wait a few seconds and I answer we had a great time because we spent some time in nature and fresh air is good for kids.

I can actually see the disappointment in his face as he receives the confirmation of something he has known for some time already. Had my answer included this one word anywhere in it, my life could have been set on very different path because there is a very distinct possibility I may have stayed with this family forever. He wanted to know if I could, at the very least, say the word. From the moment I arrived with them, I have stayed one or two steps outside of their family. I have never really walked in or not as far in as another kid could have anyway. But if I could at least have said the word “family”, maybe there could have been some hope that at some point I might lower my guard and let myself in. I couldn’t do it. I would love to be able to say that there was a debate inside of me, that I almost said the word or that I hesitated. There was no debate and I didn’t even consider giving Mr P the answer he so desired. This is the first time I purposefully turn my back on happiness. It won’t be the last.

About a week after the “family” conference, I find myself sitting in the car with Mr P knowing exactly where we are going and once we reach our destination, he walks with me through the side entrance of Ville Joie, with much difficulties goes down on one knee to give me a kiss on the cheek and and hug me with genuine affection before leaving. There is no long conversation, no tears, no blame and no guilt. Of that moment, I keep the memory of a kind, heartfelt kiss goodbye and Mr P leaving me alone by the door with my suitcase at my feet…”

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com
Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com

This project is entirely written on an iPad…and no I do not have representation!

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Citizen of Ville Joie – The story begins

18 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by Steve Marchand in Second pass

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Blog, Books, family, Friends, Love, radio, Relationships, story, writing


Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. In this excerpt, Daryl stuns others and himself as begins to tell his story live on his radio show…

“”And Susan, whatever happens, don’t cut me off the air”.

“What? Daryl! What the hell is wrong with you?”

At that same moment, the clock hits midnight and she has no other choice but to turn the microphone on because if she doesn’t, there will be dead air. In our business, silence screams incompetence. This would reflect badly on the both of us and she absolutely knows it. So almost immediately, the light goes green and my mic goes hot.

I begin to talk while slowly taking off my jacket. On my way here tonight I had no clue what the subject of my show would be. It’s strange how when the instincts take over, it all comes naturally. I guess it is the reward of experience and talent. Either you have it or you don’t. I have many flaws and the list of things I don’t know is longer than I care to admit, but I know this; I have it.

“It is midnight and a great new day to all of you. This is Daryl Hart with you until six o’clock with great music from the seventies and eighties.

If you are part of my regular listeners you have come to expect, in addition to the music, the presentation of and a reflection upon a true and inspiring life story. If you are not a regular listener, well, I guess you picked quite a night to join us. I tell these stories hoping they will give us a pause from the insanity of today’s life and remind us of what being simply simply human is supposed to be, even if only for a few hours. The stories of others in spoken words so their lives can help us find our way to the meaning of our own. Not for the drama of it, not for the envy of others and certainly not for pity for ourselves. It has always been about the reflexion and I assure you tonight will be no different, at least in that respect.

The stories I read to you are real, handpicked and carefully reviewed so I can present them to you in such a way that will fit into the vision I have always had for this show. “Mindful Radio” as my billboards read. My intentions were good but the process wasn’t all that honest. So tonight I find myself with the urge to confess that the way I went about selecting these stories was at best cynical. I spent countless hours researching books, magazines and articles all written by complete strangers, most of whom have been gone for years if not decades, when all along I knew of a story just like theirs and I selfishly chose to push it aside and ignore its cry out to be told. This story requires no research and no prep time as it is written inside of me.

Tonight, the music of Cat Stevens will be heard in the background of a story I never fully told, not even to those who matter the most in my life. A story written not by me, but for me by the people who long ago chose the words that would tell the early years of my life. A long chapter I felt was too complicated and yes, too difficult to share but which became very recently, too costly to hide.”

Just as I finish this last sentence, I’m startled by my phone vibrating. A message from Annie. “I’m listening”.

Knowing that she is there makes me feel a little better but I also fear her reaction to the way I chose to finally tell her what she has been so desperately wanting hear. I take a deep breath to finish my intro the best I can.

“When we return after this first song from Cat Stevens, the beginning of tonight’s story. My story”

Immediately after Moonshadow begins playing, Susan rushes to my studio, walks behind me and asks in a nervous voice “What are you doing?”

I’m so stunned myself by what I just did, I can’t even turn around to look at her. “I have to do this Susan. I’m going to need you to trust me on this and I’m going to need your help.”

After a pause she says “This is improv. Six hours of it. You remember how long six hours can be right?”

This time I turn around, look at her with half a smile and say “Believe me Susan when I tell you I have enough material to cover the whole show.”

Susan looks at me intensely for a few more seconds. “Ok”, she says. “We’ll give it a shot, but if you can’t go on you have to give me a heads up all right?”

While Susan marches back to her console, I pick up my phone and type this message to Annie. “This is the only way I know how to do it. Forgive me for the delivery and I beg you, just listen”.

Susan signals the song is almost done and a few moments later I switch my microphone back on.

“This was Moonshadow by Cat Stevens who will sing for us as we take pauses from tonight’s story. I respect that you may not be a fan of his music, I am asking you to give me some time and you will understand exactly why I picked him and no other, why his voice, his words and the comfort born of his music are the perfect companions to the tale that follows.

So here is our story which I guess can only be titled Citizen of Ville-Joie…”

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com
Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com

This project is entirely written on an iPad

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Steve Marchand

Author of the writing project Citizen of Ville Joie www.citizenofvillejoie.com

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