Monthly Archives: April 2012

Citizen of Ville Joie – Words at Heart

28 Saturday Apr 2012

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Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. In this rewrite of the end of the previous excerpt, Daryl reveals which words changed his outlook on life…

“Despite all I had, there was nothing I could see or sense in my surroundings to convince me to come out of my shell. I kept myself in some sort of slow motion mode socially and did everything I could to stay as quiet and out of trouble as possible. Something had to happen to shake me out of this torpor and after all the drama I had seen in the last four years, after all the moves and countless moments filled with intense emotions, it is only fitting that all it took was a short sentence. The words that would change my entire outlook on life came one evening during dinner. I don’t know how the subject turned to all of the families I had visited in the previous four years, but it did. I must have said something that revealed my fears which prompted my mother to say the magic words as she looked me in the eyes.

“We’re keeping you Daryl, no matter what.”

When I had moved in with my new family, I had become Daryl H. The moment I heard those words, I became Daryl Heart…

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Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com

This project is entirely written on an iPad

Citizen of Ville Joie – A new outlook on life

22 Sunday Apr 2012

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Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. In this excerpt, Daryl’s outlook on life changes with one sentence…

“I was so conscious of my every move and so afraid of doing something wrong, I sat in the living room of my new home and did as little as possible thinking that if I did nothing, then I would do nothing wrong.

The first night, at around seven o’clock, my parents frantically looked for me everywhere. They even got dressed and went outside by the river to look for me. They were completely freaked out and wondered where I had disappeared. They found me sound asleep in my bed. On my first Saturday morning with them, I got up before everybody else, quietly sat in the living room and waited for the others to get up. When they did, we all had breakfast together, then I helped with the dishes and went back to sit in the living room, everything done very, very quietly, until I was told it was quite alright to turn on the television and watch cartoons. They thought it was cute at first, after all who wouldn’t dream of a ten year old so well behaved. I made my own bed, I set the table, washed the dishes and spoke only when asked a question. That stuff was drilled into me at Ville Joie and I hadn’t even realized it. I didn’t know it wasn’t exactly normal for a kid to do all these things. Some of my new cousins weren’t too thrilled with it at first since they kept hearing “your cousin Daryl does it, so why can’t you?”

As it had happened before, I was allowed to remain in my old school, which was a blessing since it gave me some sort of continuity. This meant that for the first few months after I arrived, I wouldn’t have many friends from my new hometown and that was fine with me. I had the faithful friendship of Charlemagne, the kindness of my parents, the peace of the river and plenty of rocks to throw in it.

The moment that would change my entire outlook on life came one night during dinner. I don’t know how the subject turned to all of the families I had visited in the previous four years, but it did. That’s when my mother said the magic words as she looked me in the eyes…

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com
Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com

This project is entirely written on an iPad

The challenge of writing emotions

17 Tuesday Apr 2012

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A good day to all of you readers. I have been receiving more and more feedbacks from many people, either via comments here or by email, and I want to thank all of you who take the time to write to me or just read each of the excerpts from my story.

I have been asked by a few people if it is difficult to write about some of the difficult moments of my journey as a child. Six families, the orphanage, every single the emotions it entails. Well, yes it is difficult. But it is as rewarding as it is difficult. The subject of the last few posts for example (beginning here) was incredibly difficult to revisit. These excerpts relate to a period where I was finally experiencing a feeling of safety somewhere outside the orphanage. I was feeling a happiness I had never felt before and for the first time, I was opening up to receive affection. When it didn’t workout, I experienced a sadness just as intense as the happiness I had at once allowed myself to feel. And so it seemed harsh to some of you when you read that I put the blame on myself for that failure. Believe me when I say that, I know I was only a nine/ten year old child and I know I wasn’t “guilty” of anything! Sometimes, the only conclusion possible is unfair and not the one we would admit easily; but just like I would refuse to hide behind “experience” to enjoy a success, I will not hide behind “innocence” when failure is the reward. And as a result, I am at complete peace with who I am.

I assure you, Daryl’s story ends well. But for now, emotions, feelings, memories, images, smiles, hopes, tears and a few hugs for Charlemagne. It’s all coming back to me as I write my project and I am truly blessed and grateful for it!

Thank you for reading and thank you all for caring,

Steve

Citizen of Ville Joie – The guilt of missed chances

14 Saturday Apr 2012

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Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. In this excerpt, Daryl feels the aftermath of a new family without a transition…

“I stayed in the principal’s office until Danielle came and picked up. Instead of going to school, we spent the afternoon together. It felt good to be with her. Her words of comfort, as always, worked their magic on me and I was able to breathe better, see more clearly ahead of me and slow down my heart a little. Later she drove me to my new home and said goodbye. It would be the second to last time I would see her.

The transition from one family to another without spending time in Ville Joie was far from easy. I was confused upon waking up in my new home the first couple of mornings, thinking I was still with Gerard and Grace. I was given the opportunity to take a few days off school to adapt to my new life but I refused because I wanted to keep seeing my friends, who were now the only familiar faces around me. After the initial shock of my arrival, I got to meet the rest of my family at my new grandparents’ home which was within walking distance from our house. It was a big, beautiful and close knitted family. I had great parents, a beautiful home, the best extended family anyone could possibly hope for. It was finally all there if front of me, I was finally fully aware of what it took to make it mine and I was so exhausted I was struggling to reach for it.

The weight of the shame of my failure with Gerard and Grace, added to the weight of my previous failures, was pressing hard on my shoulders. I began bringing myself down and calling myself names, with “no good and “stupid” as the common ones. In a matter of days, my ten year old mind had answered the big “why me?” question and had placed the blame on the only one constant in my life; myself. I was give many opportunities to make a family happen but, each time I had failed to please enough those who gave me a chance at it and, since there was nobody else around from my past, there was no one else to blame but me.

I was so conscious of my every move and so afraid of doing something wrong, I sat in the living room of my new home and did as little as possible hoping that, if I did nothing, I would do nothing wrong…”

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com
Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com

This project is entirely written on an iPad

Citizen of Ville Joie – The sadness we can live with

09 Monday Apr 2012

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Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. In this excerpt, Daryl says goodbye to Gerard and Grace…

“I spent a few more days with Gerard and Grace and when the time came, our goodbyes were far from easy. Since school was in walking distance from our house, I was able to go home for lunch. On my last day as Daryl D., Danielle was to pick me up after school and drive me to my new home, where I would begin my life as Daryl H. At lunch time, Gerard came to have lunch with Grace and I which was unusual but he wanted to see me one last time. Before he left to go back to work, he stood by the door as I sat at the kitchen table, and told me he had never been good at saying goodbye but wished me the best of luck, turned quickly and left. I swear, I could feel his heart break as he walked through the door. I’m not idealizing the moment or make it what I hoped it was; there are moments that cannot be made up or imagined. This was one of those moments, filled with sadness yes, but a true and honest to the core sadness. The kind of sadness you can look back on, and live with.

I finished my meal with my heart in my throat and once I emptied my plate of its food, it was time to leave this family behind, get to school and hope the afternoon with my friends would bring some sort of comfort and help me prepare to join my next family. Only that’s not what happened.

After I said goodbye to Grace, the very moment I got out of the house, I began crying and couldn’t stop until I arrived in the school yard. By the time class resumed I had red, puffy eyes and I couldn’t hide that something big was going on. I was called into the principal’s office where he told me he had received a call from Danielle advising him of what was happening and asking him to be on the lookout for signs. He then told me that I had been really brave in my attempt to hide my situation from everyone. After a brief pause, I looked at him in the eyes and told him I had lost my family for the fifth time. I then told him it had nothing to do with my being brave but everything to do with my being ashamed of this latest failure. He looked at me as if a ten year old child had just told him something that should could only come from an old man talking about the regrets of his life.

I stayed in the principal’s office until Danielle came and picked up. Instead of going to school, we spent the afternoon together. Her words of comfort, as always, worked their magic on me and I was able to breathe better, see more clearly ahead of me and slow down my heart a little. It felt good to be with her…”

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com
Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com

Citizen of Ville Joie – The fragrance of peace

06 Friday Apr 2012

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Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. In this excerpt, Daryl meets his next family…

“In my mind, I was preparing myself to return to Ville Joie, just like it had happened every time things hadn’t worked out with the previous families. Their rejection was followed by a time of comfort offered by the orphanage and those who worked or lived there. Except this time there would be no stay in Happy Town in between families. I was being sent to another family directly with no time to re-adjust, to regroup. No time to mourn one identity and no time to hope and prepare for the one to come. There is a subtle difference between “feeling fear”, which was a quasi constant state of mind before I moved in with Gerard and Grace, and “being afraid”. I was now so afraid, I spent the few days that followed in silence, waiting to see when and where I would taken.

On the day of my tenth birthday, Danielle picked me up after school and drove me the local restaurant to meet with my new family. I was scheduled to meet with them, visit their home and return with Gerard and Grace for a few days before leaving them for good.

My new parents looked great and seemed very nice. Since it was my birthday, they bought me a nice dessert and even gave me two dollars. We then left to visit their home, at which time I was given the choice of riding with my new mother or with my new father in a big 4×4. I was a ten year old boy so, of course I chose the pick-up truck. We drove for about twenty minutes and arrived at their home, a big and beautiful house by a river. When I got out of the truck, I was greeted by a big Collie named Charlemagne, who turned out to be the nicest dog in the world. He playfully stole one of my mittens and invited me to chase him for it, which I gladly did for a few minutes.

We went inside the house for a tour. It had been built only a few years prior and some of the rooms weren’t even carpeted yet, but there was a nice and pleasant smell all around. Maybe more of a fragrance. It reminded me of something, I couldn’t put my finger on it at the moment but, that smell had something vaguely familiar. We went upstairs to look the three bedrooms available, and I was asked to choose my own. I chose the one closest to my new parent’s room. We sat a few minutes in the living room, and it was time for me to return to the family I was leaving and finish things up with them.

When Danielle dropped me off, I told Gerard and Grace that my new parents had a nice house, two cars and big dog. They were genuinely happy for me but the scene had something surreal; I was telling my current family how great my next family was…”

NOTE: Please don’t miss my next post for a picture of Charlemagne…the best dog in the world!

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com
Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com

Citizen of Ville Joie – The entitlement of love

04 Wednesday Apr 2012

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Please read “About this project and the Author” for more information on my project. In this excerpt, Daryl explains why he lost his family…

“What had I done that was so bad to deserve this constant anxiety caused by the uncertainty of my tomorrows? That moment was also when I realized how the quest for happiness can sometimes make one surprisingly selfish. After I had become aware of how happy I was, I began to accept it, then I enjoyed it and finally but very rapidly, I became greedy for it. So greedy in fact, I forgot that there were other people around me and I began believing that happiness was owed to me. I began telling myself I had suffered enough from the denial and from denying myself this luxury.

I went along with the whole thing and consciously let myself feel whole, feel like I belonged and I opened my arms to let in the trust and I opened heart to let in the love. I wasn’t aware a family was a two way street and that I was supposed to share this trust and love with Gerard and Grace. For years I had craved for a family not knowing entirely what it was or how it worked. It was this ultimate goal we had all set for ourselves in the orphanage. Except, no one had factored in the experiences encountered on the road leading to that family and when that family, that happiness was finally offered to me on a silver platter, I served myself with both hands, like a kid in a love factory.

This was my time, my family, my happiness and I had earned it. I went to bed at night with my heart satiated and in the morning, I demanded more. I took and took and took until the platter was emptied. At my age, I didn’t know any better and it sure wasn’t Gerard and Grace’s fault either because they were magnificent, both of them. Gerard was so sad, he couldn’t speak to me that night and Grace later told me he agonized over this difficult decision, losing many nights of sleep and spending countless hours of talking Grace’s ear off about me, which was actually nice to know. In moments like these, you take comfort in anything.

I asked Grace permission to take a bath and she agreed, thinking it would help me relax a little bit. I really just wanted to cry alone. I sat in the tub with my face buried in both my hands and let it out. I let it out while instinctively asking myself one question. Why me?…”

Do not reproduce or copy the content of this post as it is the sole property of citizenofvillejoie.com
Contact: steve.marchand@rogers.com